Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
--Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
--W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
--Oscar Wilde

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
--Brian O'Rourke

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
--Dave Barry

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry

I like beer. On occasion, I will even drink beer to celebrate a major event such as the fall of communism or the fact that the refrigerator is still working.
--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits

Put it back in the horse!
--H. Allen Smith, an American humorist in the '30s-'50s, after he drank his first American beer at a bar.

The church is near, but the road is icy. The bar is far away, but I will walk carefully.
--Russian proverb

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk), At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As
we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.
Forever and ever,

It's better to have beer in hand than gas in tank.

Life is too short to drink cheap beer.

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!

Beer is good food.

Remember "I" before "E",except in Budweiser.

To some its a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.

Friends don't let friends drink Light Beer.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

Normisms (from Cheers):

Coach: How are you doing, Norm?
Norm: Cut the small talk and get me a beer.

Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room.

Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
Norm: The warranty on my liver.

Coach: Beer, Norm?
Norm: I heard of that stuff. Better give me a tall one in case I like it.

Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.

Coach: Beer, Norm?
Norm: Does a rag doll have cloth knobs?

Sam: Beer, Norm?
Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good.

Well, look at you. You look like the cat the swallowed the canary.
Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down.

What'll you have, Norm?
Norm: Fame, fortune, and fast women.
How 'bout a beer?
Norm: Even better.

Beer, Norm?
Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it.

What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
Norm: Going down?

Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach.... Of course, beer is my life.

Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.

Sam: What's new, Normie?
Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach. They're demanding beer.

Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
Norm: Daddy wuvs you.

Sam: What'd you like, Normie?
Norm: A reason to live. Gimmie another beer.

Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, you got room for a beer?
Norm: Nope, but I am willing to add on.

Sam: What will you have, Norm?
Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.
Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.

Sam: What do you say, Norm?
Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.

What can I do for you, Norm?
Norm: Well, I am going to need something to kill time before my second beer. Uh, how about a first one?

Sam: What can I get you, Norm?
Norm: (scratching his beard) Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding. Gimme a beer, I think I'll just drown the little suckers.

Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.

Sam: What do you say, Norm?
Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes.

Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody?
Woody: For a beer?
Norm: No, for stupid questions.

Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.''

Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?

Woody: Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Alright, but stop me at one.... make that one-thirty.

Little early in the day for a beer, isn't it Norm?
Norm: so float a corn flake in it.

"What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"How about a beer, Norm?"
"That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"

Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody.

Sam: What can I do for you, Norm?
Norm: Open up those beer taps and, ah, take the day off, Sam.

Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
Norm: You mean, "Nice cold beer going down Mr. Peterson."

Coach: Beer, Normie?
Norm: Uh, Coach, I Dunno', I had one this week. Eh, why not, I'm still young.

Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
Norm: Just the usual Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.

Sam: What's going on, Normie?
Norm: my birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in it, and I'll blow out my liver.

Woody: How's it hanging, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Better when my butt is hanging off this bar stool with a beer in my hand.

The Buffalo Theory:
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this....A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members."

"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Couple of Beers

A philosophy professor stood before his class with some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a "VERY LARGE" and empty mayonnaise jar. He proceeded to fill it with rocks, which were about 2 inches in diameter. He filled the jar to the top!

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They said, "Yes."

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into thejar. They rolled into place, all around the rocks. He shook the jar lightly. This allowed him to pour more pebbles in, until they were up to the top of the jar.

He again asked the students if the jar was full. They said, "Yes."

The professor then picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled the spaces between the pebbles.

He asked once more if the jar was full. The students wondered what the right answer was this time, wondering what else could be poured into the jar.

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty spaces in the sand. The students mumbled.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The rocks are the important things -- your family, your partner, your health, and your children. Things, that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.

The sand is everything else. The small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks! The same goes for your life. If you spend all of your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first . . . the things that really matter . ..then the pebbles.

Set your priorities. The rest is just sand (the little stuff)!"

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled and said, "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

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